'Ello 'ello 'ello

Hiya everybody. I haven't written anything in the last few days because I've been like super, thinking I'm going to die sick and not being able to talk and lack of sleepness. I realize that I said I would write everyday and I've broken that the last few days, but I think that if maybe one day I write a few in one day to make up either for ones missed or ones that I feel are too crappy to be put up (like this one) then I should be ok. But we'll see.

The last few days I've been pretty depressed, I've decided that I'm breaking up with my boyfriend because of a bunch of issues but that's a whole nother story. So I'm sorry I don't have anything substantial to post and I feel pretty much like shit but again, that's another story.

Tomorrow, PREPARE FOR AWESOMENESS! Or maybe later tonight, or never, you never really know with me.

So peace out everybody.

Apparently the Worst Music Video of 2011

I was looking randomly on the interwebs earlier today and found a list of the worst music videos of 2011. The number one video is so disturbingly awful that I can't really describe it. So of course I thought I would share it. Enjoy.

Sickness and Beyond!

I don't really know what I'm planning with this entry. I'm currently sitting and work and was reminded that I needed to edit my roomies photographs from a recent photo shoot. (She's a model) and I realized that I wasn't going to have half as much time as I originally thought and so everything I may have had planned went down the drain. Not that I had anything planned mind you, but I had hoped, to maybe someday, motivate myself into actually doing something besides sit and feel sorry for myself. But maybe getting some editing done will be good for me.

I was sitting at work being bored and sick and wanting to kill people while I tried to just get through the day without collapsing when I decided to mess around and take some pictures with my phone. And so that's what today's post is going to be. My cubicle at work.

And... I think that I have outdone myself in the boredom department. Sorry about that, once I start feeling better and once I map out what 30 day challenges and such I'm going to be doing, I think I'll be much happier with myself and these posts.

What Was Supposed to be Awesome Things

So...

I had planned on doing something cool and exciting for the blog of awesomeness today because I kinda feel like I'm not doing anything that requires actual effort for it but I woke up this morning feeling like there's sand in my lungs and coughing up gunk. With that my brain doesn't even really want to function at this point and the only reason I made it through work was because of a bottle of Gaterade my roomie bought me. So for today I'm going to keep it short and simple so that I can go back to just continually sending my roomie words in Words With Friends while I try not to freeze to death and somehow magically get enough willpower to find something to eat in the disaster that is our kitchen.

And since I didn't do any actual work for today's post beside open the internet, I'll leave you with a poem I wrote a while back. I found it recently when I was looking through an old flash drive. And I just looked through the flash drive and the one I thought was there really isn't...

BUT!

I did manage to find a copy I sent to a friend through an email I don't use anymore.

I will lie here

Broken and bruised

Seeing all my fears

Watching them come true

My light is gone

I can see no more

But still am used as a pawn.

It is far too soon to say adieu.

A welcoming glance

From a lover of sorts

Never would I have a chance

To know and love you.

The feeling would come back

And my life would never be the same

I would slowly fade into the black

And you would be the one who knew.

I thought for a long time that I might add too it but now that I read it again, I kind of like how short it is.

And with that I bid you adieu.

-Ophelia

Ten Things

I woke up this morning with absolutely no energy. I wanted to just curl up in a ball and never move. I was cold, my room was a mess, I didn't want to deal with anything or anyone. But I had promised my roommate that I would help put up a bunch of 80's porn pictures on her wall so she could do a photo shoot with them.

And then I glanced out the window. It's a a beautiful day outside. The sun is shining and being all up in my face and saying that I should be happy and get over myself. And so I tried to change my mood. And decided that for today's post I would write a list of ten things that I enjoy. Not things that I do because other people think I should be doing them or I do because I'm with them, things that I honestly enjoy doing and think I should do more of.

1. Reading
2. Watching geeky tv shows (Mythbusters, Good Eats, 1000 Way to Die, etc.)
3. Spending time alone
4. Bubble baths
5. Meditating
6. Talking with people
7. Learning things
8. Sewing
9. Window shopping
10. Getting dressed up

All of these are things that I do, but I don't think I do them enough. I think it's pretty important that we find things that we enjoy and then actually do them and not spend our lives wishing that we had done more time doing the things we like instead of doing only things that are expected of us that we don't really enjoy.

And today I will leave you with a quote:

“Those who dream by day are more cognizant than those who dream only by night.”

-Edgar Allan Poe

See y'all tomorrow. Hopefully I'll have something substantial to post tomorrow. I'm thinking up all sorts of cool stuffs.

Ramblings

It really doesn't feel like it's 2012. Seems like it should still 2009 or 2010 and I'm walking down the halls of my high school trying to remember where my next class is instead of getting up and going to work everyday. I just had the realization a few moments ago that this is the first year I actually have had a pretty constant stream of income and therefore have to file taxes.

But that's not what I wanted to write about today. I started this blog to help myself. I haven't done anything to help myself in a long time. I find myself just sitting and hating myself and not doing anything to fix the problem. There's so many things running through my mind and I can't seem to do anything about them. I feel at all times like I'm a horrible person and it's slowly killing me inside and killing all the relationships I have. But I can't do it any longer. I have to take a stand for myself and become the person I know that I can be. I can't let myself become the person that will be created if I don't start doing things to rectify it now.

And so I started this blog. I am going to write everyday, even if it kills me. It might be about something stupid, like how I don't feel like I want to move or how coupons are trying to eat my soul. Or it might be about something I saw that day or about how I realized that it's okay for me to be a selfish person sometimes. And it will also chronicle my attempt at losing weight and how I'm trying to live a healthier life. Like today, I walked 2.5 miles to work and then walked home. I think that's pretty cool. And sometime after the 7^th I'm going to the store to buy frozen fruit to make smoothies with and having those for breakfast instead of things that are loaded with sugar.

I don't particularly care if anyone reads this blog. And I think that's mainly because I'm doing this for myself. And that's all that really matters.

And so I leave you today with a picture. It's one that I took of Crater Lake when I was working there this summer. It's a beautiful place and a reminder that we need to pay attention to our surroundings and to find beauty in our everyday lives.

New Beginnings

Sitting down to write my first blog post and I didn't think it would be this hard. My roommate already has a blog but has decided that one of her New Year's Resolutions is to write a blog entry everyday. I decided to join her in that quest, though I am a little behind as I have never written a blog before. I decided to write one about my daily struggle with life and all the things in it. One of those things is my weight. I've been overweight for several years but in the last year or so, it's gotten ridiculous. Which brings me to my New Years Resolutions.

Resolution 1: Lose 75-100 pounds this year.

It'll be a hard task I know, but for my health and my sanity I think that I need to cut down on everything. To do this it brings be to my next resolution.

Resolution 2: Eat 3 or more salads a week.

I think in general for this resolution I mean that I need to eat more healthy. And one of those things is to eat more salads. Alongside the salads is drinking a smoothie for breakfast several times a week.

Resolution 3: Start a blog of craft/depression/weight loss.

I think by posting this first entry I kind of succeeded in this resolution. Which isn't bad for the first day of the New Year I think.

Resolution 4: Stay in School

A super easy resolution as long as I don't let myself be overcome by all the pressures associated with school. All I need to do is keep going with school and I should be fine. I've missed a few terms but I think that I can stay in school, even with moving to another state.

Resolution 5: Move to Seattle

I've gone back and forth on this one for a while. I was supposed to move there in October but life got I the way and I ended up staying in Oregon for a while longer. And the longer I stay, the more friendships I seem to make and the more comfortable I am with the town. Which is what I was afraid of when I learned I had to stay in Oregon. But I know that moving to Seattle will be good for me and good for my relationship with my boyfriend who lives there (I was planning on moving to a big city even before I started dating him and he just made me decide to go to Seattle instead of Portland or California)

Resolution 6: Get out of the house at least once a day

One of my issues is that I allow myself to sit in a pity party and not do anything but stare at my computer screen for hours. I admit that sunshine and fresh air is good for me and will not make me burst into flame, no matter how much it feels like sometimes. I think that on my journey of overcoming my depression going outside and just being surrounded either by people or nature or just fresh air will be wonderful for my mental health.

Resolution 7: Talk about the problems that are bothering me

My entire life I have avoided conflict by sitting in pain or acting out with a passive aggressive attitude. And I vow that this year it stops. No matter how uncomfortable it makes me, I will confront the things that are bothering me.

Resolution 8: Save $50 or more out of every paycheck (Excluding needed rent or emergencies)

Sometimes I have issues with saving money. I think this is a pretty simple resolution that will be easy for me as long as I practice self discipline.

Resolution 9: Start a book club with my roommate

I love reading and I always have. That's something my roommate and I have in common. One of the things we've been talking about is starting a book club. We narrowed down a list a 100 must read books to about 57 and we're going to start reading them, one by one, until we've read them all. It should be fun. We're going to start a Facebook group for it sometime in the next week.

Resolution 10: Write more

I know that this blog will help me with that, but I haven't been writing as much in recent years as I did when I was a young teenager. I have so many things running around in my head that I want to get down on paper but haven't been able to because I haven't forced myself to sit down and just WRITE.

Resolution 11: Participate in the NaNoWriMo

Last November I participated in the National Novel Writing Month and while I didn't finish the 50,000 word goal, I did have a lot of fun. And I think that next year, as long as I have a solid plot line and outline, I can succeed.

Resolution 12: Drink a cup of tea a day

Green tea has been shown to be super healthy for the body and the mind. I have amassed a ridiculous amount of tea that I don't seem to be drinking. It's time to change that.

Resolution 13: Get my tattoo covered

A few months after turning 18, I allowed myself to be talked into getting a tattoo with someone I thought was my best friend. We had decided to get one, so that even if we fought, we always remember that we had each other and it was a reminder of everything we had been through together. Looking back I know I got it because a week later I tried to kill myself and I wanted someone who would remember me no matter what. Obviously my attempt didn't succeed and my body still has the ink imprinted on my arm. I decided to get the tattoo covered up because this friend went back on everything we had always promised and threw everything I had ever confided in her back in my face in a public setting. And I also see how getting the tattoo in the first place was a dumb, spur of the moment decision. So, I'm getting it covered with something that actually means something to me. And I've thought long and hard about it, so I don't think I'm going to regret this decision.

And so those are my resolutions for the year. I'll probably write tomorrow about what I'm personally hoping to get out of this blog and how I really don't care if anyone reads it because in the end I'm doing it for myself.

Hope everyone had a great 2011 and that 2012 will be even greater!

-Ophelia